Dreams Are Complicated

[This is a blog post I wrote 6 months ago after successfully enacting my big fashion business idea, and found myself ... unhappy? But this is my dream? I basically wrote this for myself, attempting understand and cope with how I was feeling.]


WOW, ok, here I am.

Yes, I am here, on the other side of the dreams I've been dreaming for so long. So why am I not bathing in the sunshine of making it here?

I have always wanted to work for myself. I have always wanted to start my own business. Now that I finally have, and I see and feel what it is like to integrate it into my life, I'm doubting myself. I'm doubting if I'm capable of handling it all. I'm doubting if it's what I really want. 

What do you do when you finally start living your dreams and discover that maybe it's not what you want?

OPTIONS:

- have a panic attack

- cry to your mama

- cry to your boyfriend

- cry to your cat
- beg your cat to trade lives with you

- ask your part-time employer to give you more hours

- self-medicate with wine and rom-coms all night on the couch

- doubt your ideas

- doubt your aspirations

- doubt your entire life

- give up on yourself

Other other option is to go back an re-read your own advice to yourself.

Ok, at least you're breathing again.

Work is work.

No matter what kind of work you find or create for yourself, it will come with common pitfalls. Things such as stress, deadlines, doing jobs you don't want to do, and generally taking you away from other life activities you want to be doing (see: hot tub). When you find that your dream job contains some or all of these bummers, does that mean it's not your dream job?

[actual dream job]

[actual dream job]

Well, maybe it wouldn't be so great to not have opposable thumbs, and the prune-iness from being in water all day might be a bit much ..... but am I traitor when I say that sometimes the idea of giving up all my dreams and becoming a loaf seems really appealing??


[ENTER PRESENT DAY]


6 months have passed and I want to share where I have gone mentally (and literally) since writing this.

I found myself unhappy, overwhelmed, and uninspired by my original clothing-line business model.

After 6 months of actively executing my plans, I discovered that wearing all the hats needed for a well-rounded business was too much. Every minute that I was sewing production, I wasn't promoting and marketing my garments. Every minute I was crunching numbers on spreadsheets, I wasn't in my studio developing new product. And I found that there were some hats that I'm just not that great at wearing. (SURPRISE! the artist isn't a great salesman.) Not to mention, many of those hats took me away from what it is that I'm actually good at doing, and WANTED to be doing.

Then there was also the undeniable fact that where I stood in that moment, with that business, wouldn't make me much money. And I decided that I had gotten to an age where I was over the "labor of love" system of business I'd been running (for years) and was ready to act smarter with my time and skills.

So I took a hard look at the bullet points in my original business plan, with the practical knowledge I had fallen into the first half of the year, and came to a few conclusions:


            -- if I want to make affordable clothing then I need to look
at mass-manufacturing and delegating the cutting-and-sewing.

                 -- if I want to provide custom, if I want to hand-craft clothing myself,
then I need to look into a speciality, higher-end, higher-priced clothing line.

                  -- if I don't want to wear all the hats, then I need to either pay others
for their expertise or collaborate.


In a bizarrely-remarkable series of events, I have turned on a dime and begun aggressively pursuing these new ideas. I chose to end my lil clothing line early in order to put all my efforts in these new directions, much to my own dismay. I hate not following-thru on something that I commit myself to but ... I think it's been a good choice.


So you wanna know what I'm up to now??

I collaborated with a good friend, who also happens to have a successful clothing line in Durham -- RUNAWAY -- and we designed our first full-fashion garment together, and then held each others' hands while we learned how to work with a (NC-based!) production house to have them made. LOTTA learning, but we just got the finished product in the door and it feels soooo gooood.

Best parts: I didn't have to sew them all and he's doing the selling!

Check out the > video < Runaway made in support of our collaboration, as well as the art show they're hosting of *my* knitted work. I've been busy!


Also....

I'm developing a new clothing line with my buddy Anne (of Red Canary) where we're using her digitally-printed fabrics with her surface designs and my pattern-making and construction skills to come up with a line of speciality garments unlike anything you've seen before. We are still in the throews of development so not many pictures, but expect to see some stuff beginning of next year. For now, it will all be sewn in-house (by me) and will offer ready-to-wear as well as custom aspects.

Best parts: Anne and I make a great team, we encourage each other to show up and get to work, and did I mention custom-printed fabric of anything we can dream up?!?



I guess that it wasn't that my dreams were bad, maybe I underestimated that there will be hard work and struggles, even with your dream job. I am proud that I chose to reassess my dreams and make them better. If I had stuck to my original plan, out of some kind of loyalty, I wouldn't be as far along with these new ideas as I am now. Working with partners has been GREAT. When you work with someone else, you get a different viewpoint, as well as, they can challenge you to grow in ways that you otherwise wouldn't have pushed yourself into.

BOTTOM LINE: Never give up on your dreams,
 but never be too closed-minded to see when they need to change.

Making A Wedding Dress, Part 2

OK, where was I?

Ah, yes, commence with the pleating!

When we left off, I had finished my under-pinnings and was ready to add the final fashion fabric to the dress. I had always envisioned a pleated wedding dress for myself but had never attempted intricate pleating before. I was lucky enough to find a ThreadsMagazine.com article where a group had actually taken a pleating class with the former head of Madame Gres' couture workroom! AND shared the instructional on the internet!! I was so grateful for the instant (with paid subscription) tutorial, and it was the inspiration for me to also take the time to share what I've learned in this process with YOU.

I discovered that pleating requires A LOT of pins. I always prefer extra-fine glass-head pins; they're gentle on delicate fabric and won't melt if you iron over them. I don't even own steel-head pins because they feel thick going through fabric, I struggle to grasp them and they get lost in my pin cushion. I blew through my glass-head stash quickly and found myself scrounging on the floor for strays to finish the job. You start pleating from the bottom layer (the sides of the bodice) to the top layer (the cups), making it easy to hide raw edges. So, the ends on the right side of the image above just needed to be thinned of their fullness and would soon be hidden.

Once the pleats are pinned in place, now comes the curved needle. You gently fold back each pleat and run long running stitches onto the pleat directly below it. Thus when you return the folded pleat, it will hide the stitching. I put paper in between my dress form and my corset, so that I could hear and feel when I had sewn through all desired layers and NOT caught the fabric of the dress form itself. Oh, the sadness that would've been to do all this beautiful work and not be able to take it off the form!

I found the running stitches were much easier to execute if I could lay the form on its side and be able to work upside down. I initially tried this on my studio table but soon found sweat running down my body (due to maximum summer temperatures and minimal A/C) and, let's be real, sitting on a table is uncomfortable. SO, I hauled my form into the house, put on a long-running stream of Murder, She Wrote, and stitched away!

When I finished with the two side sections, 1) I breathed a sigh of relief, they were the largest sections of pleating! and, 2) hobbled my sweaty, determined, pin-pricked ass back into the studio with the form to set up the pleating in the center of the bodice. The house is more comfortable... but the studio has better lighting...

This area proved more challenging because of symmetry. As all dressmakers know, the front left and front right of a garment typically mirror each other down the center front line. But how do you achieve symmetry if your pleats all go in one direction? Follow me? Each side can't be treated in the same manner because the pleats are folding differently. So, I did my best to make them look the same practice letting go of perfection. I considered reversing the pleats down the center front but ultimately didn't like the look of it. It was worth testing it out though. I also had enough time time that, if I wasn't sure of a design idea, I would allow myself to stop and step away; giving myself time to mull things over.

On the left, Trial A.... just didn't win me over. On the right, the final design for the cups.

When you're in a hurry, it can be desirable to stick with your first idea, but remember the big picture, with an emphasis on the word "picture". These wedding photos will be up in your and your families' homes for perceivably the rest of your life. Make sure you're happy with your dress before your past the point of NO RETURN. hehe

The cups were the most challenging because they involved shaping over a curve. The corset was a blessing because I knew it fit me, so all I had to do was follow their shape make sure to not distort them at all during the process. And since I had all the pleat practice leading up to them, I was the most confident and comfortable as I would ever be!

TA-DA! 

Once the pleats were done, a lovely bridesmaid came over and helped me play with strap ideas (and convinced me to take the time to clean up the hem with a rotary cutter). I chose this standard strap design because I had gotten pretty badly burned at the beach earlier in the year and decided to match my straps to my tan.... (PROFESSIONAL WEDDING TIP!!!). I sorta made up a little twisty thing with the excess fabric from the back pleats to cover up the zipper teeth. I used a plastic separating jacket zipper that I shortened to attach to the corset. Then the back skirt crossed over the center back opening and got a hook-and-eye closure over near my left side body.

It was a comfortable dress to wear, easy to get in and out of, and thank goodness for those front slits because every time I started getting hot, I was able to stick my leg out and cool myself off!! Seriously, it helped! The only uncomfortable-ness I felt was when a hidden mob of guests bombarded us with uncooked grits flying at our face, which proceeded to get lodged in my cleavage for the rest of the night. Pretty sure they were fully-cooked by the time I took my dress off!!

I also made Adam's linen shirt and jeans. I honestly think working with the linen was harder than my entire dress! The tissue cotton worked beautifully to pleat, thin but stable. 

Thanks for following my journey on this most-ambitious project. I thoroughly enjoyed the process and would recommend any enthusiastic sewer to give it a shot! Set manageable goals (in terms of fabric choices and techniques), understand your work ethic and how much time you need, and don't be afraid! Be willing to seek out advice (I'm an open door!) and maybe have a backup plan just incase. If only for the easement of your mother's nerves :)

Making a Wedding Dress, Part 1

Let's get one thing straight here, I never intended to make my own wedding dress.

But, when you're as particular as I can be, the idea of shopping for a wedding dress already sounded disappointing, and, having spent the last 3 years honing my clothes-making skills, I was feeling confident. I also knew that a nearby sewing ally, Brooks Ann Camper, was available for consultations so I didn't feel so alone in my quest.

These are some Madame Gres originals that were the inspiration for my own dress.


GOAL: to look like a Greek statue, to be done before the wedding, and to not talk to my Mom about my progress so she wouldn't stress out.

Also, I didn't want to stress out either. This was supposed to be a joyous occasion and I was gonna have fun, dammit!

I knew (and feared) the first step: figuring out the underpinnings.

This would be crucial to holding the dress up on my body. With the amount of pleating I wanted to do, I knew this thing could get heavy quick, and I was determined to avoid the dreaded hoisting-up-the-strapless-dress dance us women can fall victim to. And, yes, I did end up adding straps but at this point I was designing as I went along, and had no idea what bodice iteration I would land on. Better prep for strapless rather than rely on straps to hold me up.

I also didn't want to have to find/buy a bra to go with the dress. So my plan started with mashing together basic corset principles and foam cup bra-making. Amy (of Cloth Habit) is your go-to woman for great bra-making tutorials and advice. I used her website to guide me on where to buy materials and I followed her foam cup and underwire bra info. I did look at various corset and bra patterns but ultimately decided to draft my own.

Yes, I have never worked with these materials.

Yes, I have never even worn a corset, much less made one.

But I knew that if I approached the construction in the same way that I approach any of my flat pattern-making projects, I could make it work. You're mapping the body in the same way, just this one would be the ultimate in form-fitting.

5/8 inch spiral steel boning! Brooks Ann said later I could've gone with narrower boning but what's a wedding without a little overkill??

The muslin and foam mock-up of the corset took about a day, with much-needed help from my partner to pin it on me for review. My biggest error was only making one cup in my mock-up. I really needed to do both sides so I could see how the entire thing would pull together, knowwhatImean? It's like when you're making a shirt and you only put one sleeve on. It doesn't allow you to see how much room you have across your back unless both sleeves are attached. As a result, when I made the corset out of the final fabrics, I had a bit of gapping between my breast plate and the bridge (the spot in between the 2 cups). If this was going to be a bra that I was planning on wearing every week for the next 2 years, it would be a problem. But I knew it only needed to be successful for one day.

Don't you love working on projects entirely for yourself?! 
You can choose to let go of perfection much more easily, thank GOD.

I had a consult with Brooks Ann to see how I was doing so far and to hash out a plan for the rest of the dress. She helped me add the finishing touches to my corset (it was worth paying a professional just to help me pin on myself!), it was looking like a corset, and feeling comfortable to boot.

Up next: building the final fabric onto the corset.

I chose an organic cotton tissue knit fabric because, like all my clothes, I wanted maximum comfort and I knew the odds that a July wedding in NC would be HOT.

I've discovered that my motion-censored deer camera is the best way to take pictures of myself!

One problem with making your own wedding dress is that you don't get the chance to try on the final product until you finish the thing. So you better figure out a way to design something that will look good on you BEFORE you finish. Whether that's reviewing your current wardrobe for great necklines/silhouettes/etc options, going to a bridal store and trying on various pre-made designs, or my favorite choice, the quick-and-dirty method. This time, the quick-and-dirty method meant excessively pinning scraps of the fabric in various sloppy iterations onto the corset, delicately securing the damn thing to myself, and ignoring the repeated stabbing of said plethora of pins until I got a chance to look at myself in the mirror. (Adam kept getting so nervous about poking me when I would force him to pin together the back, Me: "JUST DO IT!")

It sounds messy but I was able to instantly get a read on what was working and what wasn't. For example, my first idea for pleating the breast cups made me feel like a seashelled-Ariel from Little Mermaid, so I worked hard to cut out fabric fullness as much as possible and avoid any clam-shaped designs.

By the end of the day, I still hadn't decided on cup designs so I put it off and began building the skirt. I added a flat layer of cotton over the corset so no color would show through to the final dress (that was Brooks Ann's idea, thank you!). The tissue knit was pretty sheer and, being that it's white, I didn't want to worry about that being a problem! I created 2 layers of skirting attached to the bottom of the corset, one flat and one pleated, with slits sitting over both thighs.

Let the pleating begin! 

This would be the last time I would have the speed and luxury of using the machine to sew.

UP NEXT: curved needles, the great straight pin shortage, and me vs. the heat.

STAY TUNED!

Clothing Line Launches Amid Procrastination, Anxiety, and Ever-Neglected Household Chores

I sorta love this picture. It really captures me in a candid state -- having fun but probably not sure what I'm doing, haha. 

There is one thing that I do know how to do, and do well, that is make clothing. But trudging through the process of building a website, taking professional photographs (do I have to wear makeup??), learning the ins-and-outs of credit card processing, NOT TO MENTION how do I get my product to customers in the first place??

I'm slowly finding answers to these questions, in my own way. This whole clothing line is me doing it all in my own way, with the help of uber-talented friends that have brought me guidance and a helping hand. I didn't realize how badly I'd need that helping hand. 

The anxiety and procrastination I've developed over the past couplea weeks has surprised me. That's not me, why do I feel this way? I ain't scared if that's what you're thinking ... or am I? I've double-checked everything so why can't I just pull the trigger on this bitch? I don't have anything to fear cause I don't even know what I'm getting myself into!

I'm just gonna say to myself that feeling all these feelings must mean I'm stepping outside of my comfort zone and I've heard that it's good to do once in a while.

So without further delay, I'd like to announce that my clothing line is officially open for business, with the first garment being released TODAY! Wahoo!! Take a look at the new site!

ANN TILLEY HANDMADE SHOP

I've got some thank you's I need to get out there.

Seth Tice-Lewis, you're tha bomb, your photography skills made it easy create a great-looking site.

Skram Furniture Co., for letting us use your space and hog the radio even though I didn't ask.

Brittney O'Brien, you made me feel so confident with a great new hair-do before the shoot, and for showing me what makeup is even though I hardly put any on.

Chris Martz and Benjamin Reed, for advising me in the ways of HTML script.

Anna Daigneault, for proof-reading, trouble-shooting, and giving lots of hi-fives.

The Tilley/Thornton families, Haley Harned and Jenny Ellis for giving me your honest opinions about my clothes and telling me my ideas are good.

Adam Joyce, for orchestrating the wonderfully-instructional measuring video, for srsly holding my hand through this process, and for continually wiping sawdust off my ass.

And for all of YOU, who have been excited about my ideas, who have shared your clothes and fit stories with me, who have followed me through my career journeys, hell, I wouldn't have started this thing if it wasn't for Instagram and the feedback I got there. THANK YOU FOR PUSHING ME TO THIS POINT.

And this is only the beginning. Once I start to work through these first 3 garments, and get a chance to tweak and troubleshoot, I'm hoping this clothing line can become a well-oiled machine that can last through the year, if not longer. My initial goal was to release at least 1 garment a month for the whole year. I don't know where I'll go from there but I'm excited to see where I find myself this time next year!

Don't. Give. Up.

Working for yourself can be a daunting excursion into a dark and unknown place. There are reasons to give up at every corner. I have been working for myself in some form or fashion for the last 6 years, that business has encompassed making t-shirt quilts, hand-tooling leather stools, developing prototypes for other peoples' ideas, custom clothing, trying to make and sell my own art (and don't even get me started on my attempt to get into the upholstery business) .... it's been a lot of eggs in a lot of baskets. And my brain and heart have likewise felt equally split. Some days are harder than others, and it's tough to keep the bad thoughts out...

...when you are reminded that doing what you love probably won't get you rich. Or even just financially comfortable.

...when you learn that your Affordable Health Care is going up another $100 because you have a job that doesn't come with benefits.

...when you pour your heart into your ideas and projects and some people just don't get it (especially if said people are your friends and family).

...when you tearfully search job listings on Craigslist in a fit of desperation.

...when your perceive others as having more success than you.

...when the uncertainty of your future bears down on you with the weight of the world.
WITH THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD.































All I know to do in these times is remind myself to just not give up. Not today, at least.

Don't give up.

DON'T GIVE UP.

SERIOUSLY, ANN. DON'T. GIVE. UP!

Think about it. What else would you rather do with your time on earth? Work an unfulfilling job just for the financial security, always putting your dreams on the back burner.

But it would be so easy to give up...

Ok, ok we can't listen to that voice.




Ann's Top 5 Reasons NOT To Give Up

1) ...because there are too many things in the world I haven't done yet. And I want to make everything at least once (yes, one day I will make a bra!)

2) ...because I know I am capable of something great and not proving that to myself would be the biggest disappoint of my life.

3) ...because fear of failure is the dumbest reason EVER. It's the unknown, so why fear something that has not even been written yet?

4) ...because at the end of it all, money is not important. Study after study tells us that ultimately happiness does not come from our bank accounts (that is, once you're out of poverty. If you are reading this, then you're probably doing okay).

5) ...because I wouldn't want to be doing anything else.
Remember when you worked for other people and it felt like treading water? Like you were waiting for your life to start? Yeah, you don't want to go back there. You're going to figure out how to make this work, and it's going to happen!

And because there are cotton fields out there to sit in!

How Peanut Shorts Led Me To A New Business Venture

Something that I'm recently discovering is vitally important for creative types/business entrepreneurs/designers/makers/discoverers/ME : making time to play. 

In the words of Carrie Bradshaw, I tend to "should" all over my life. "I should be responding to that client's email", "I should be regularly posting updates on Facebook", and the biggest one "I should be making more money". I am certain now that all that "should"-ing has held me back from growing my career and discovering what I really want to do.

If a scientist doesn't make time to experiment, how will she be able to discovering anything new?

If a chef doesn't make time to try out unfamiliar ingredients, when will she ever develop new recipes?

I allowed my fear of needing to make money keep me from playing in my studio. I took other people's stressful jobs, things I didn't even want to do, just for the money and prevented myself from discovering ways to take my own creativity and turn it into a career, on my own terms. 

It's ok, it only took me like 3 years to figure this out but, hey, better late than never. 

So let me tell you about my new business idea...

 .... I'll give you a hint, it's not modeling!

A couple weeks ago I made myself a pair of cotton shorts on a whim. It was hot, and I couldn't find my other pair. I'm sure there were other things I could've been doing that day but I chose to prioritize this project. Then I wore them every day for the next week. I was obsessed with these shorts!

My #1 man encouraged me to post a pic on Instagram and see if anyone else wanted a pair, and people were interested! The next day I went back into my studio and assessed that I had enough peanut wax print fabric to make 6 more pairs. So I threw the offer out there via Insta:

6 pairs available
$36 flat + free shipping
first 6 people to respond get em'
who wants em'?

I learned with my pair that it's nice to have a tag to easily identify front from back -- personalizing the tags makes it all the more fun, and a nice surprise for my clients.

I was sold out within the hour! 

That night I sent out invoices via Square (--> unbelieveably easy! Highly recommend it. BUT Venmo is the best to be able to avoid any processing fees, seriously, no fees! Only catch is you and your client both need to be signed up to use it. With Square, your client only has to enter payment info and that's it.) I also sent out emails with instructions on measuring your body.

Then all I had to do was wait for these 6 guinea pigs to fulfill their end (payment + measurements) and I happily sewed up their orders as they came in. It was enjoyable work that I created in my own studio, I was able to use up all this beautiful fabric that had been sitting around collecting dust. It overall was a great experience. I actually ended up selling more than 6 because I had a couple friends that saw more fabrics sitting around my studio and requested shorts in those alt. fabrics.

Peanut shorts seen in the wild!

My co-worker Gillian snapped this shot in her new shorts, made with another wax print fabric I had lying around.

Doing this little experiment got me really excited about the idea of creating more limited edition garments. It absolutely fits so many things that I love, those things being...

1) creating unique garments,
2) flexing my pattern-making skills and seeing them thru to full development,

3) small business, small production, small enough work that I can do by myself, 

4) providing others with a chance to purchase clothing outside of the "big box", 

...not to mention providing a custom fit! If only I could stand on a soapbox and preach the glories of clothes that are made specifically for one's body. I shutter at the thought that most of us wander this earth wearing garments that only kinda fit right. Or gosh! people that don't even realize what well-fitted garments look and feel like! Their ignorance pains me! I know the Truth! Follow me and I can make you look like you lost 20 pounds just with the magic of my sewing machine!

My favorite is to create a garment and fine-tune it till I can say this is a quality product. That means wearing it and judging its fit, washing it and seeing how the fabric wears. I'm a true sample-maker at heart, the engineering of it all is what I live for.

This is me creating a non-committal clothing line, as inspiration strikes and time permits. I love the freedom of this idea and I've got so many more garments I'm getting excited about offering. For this first go-round, I only advertised on Instagram but there's possibilities of expanding to other social media outlets and email marketing (join my mailing list here).

What do you think? Would you buy clothing in this manner? What platform do you think is best for this sort of business venture?

Liking Isn't Loving

I am so stinkin' torn right now about this project. The problem is that I just don't love it, but I really like it. The "liking" part is making it hard for me to want to scrap the project all-together. It has merit, but it just doesn't create that "I'm so obsessed with this!" feeling like most of my other knit pieces illicit. So do I frog the project or do I invest the time in finishing it?

I just don't think the background colors are successful. My attempt to deepen the gradient helped but it's still too rigid, and then the separation between the 2 yellows disappeared so I'm left with the uneven distribution of colors. It feels weighted in the wrong ways.

Now here is a successful color gradient! I knit Hammered//Enamored by hand so, moving slower, I was able to assess the color-change much more closely. Also, only being able to view the backside of the knitting while using the machine, limits my visibility of what I am doing. 

I don't know what I'm going to do. I HATE feeling like I wasted my time or, even worse, that my art progress is moving at the pace of a fist fight underwater. I want so hard to be prolific and react quickly on my ideas but with all life puts on each of us, it can be tricky. And I'm just not a person that can forego all other life-fulfilling activities for the sake of my art career. Sometimes I wish I was.

Have you ever been stuck about making decisions like these? How do you work through them?

Swizz Beatz, The Dean Collection & Thoughts About Treating Your Business Like A Business

 My latest Instagram crush is a surprising and welcomed find --- Swizz Beatz, and his latest venture with the Dean Collection. I can't say I knew anything about him, although I'm definitely familiar with his work (DMX was a staple in my Discman growing up) but what I'm really fascinated with is his fabulous contemporary art collection. Ok, so I know Kehinde Wiley (his painting featured above, a whopping 8'5" x 25' piece!) is probably the most famous contemporary artist of the last 10 years but what I'm really excited about is SB's interest in up-and-coming artists. As much as I enjoy Andy Warhol's faces and Damien Hirst's dot paintings, it's refreshing to find someone seeking out new, sometimes little-heard-of artists, purchasing their work, and adding fuel to their hype. 

Tryptic by Maya Hayuk, part of the Dean Collection

Not to mention I think he has pretty fabulous taste.

After finding his Insta feed, I pursued the internet looking for more information about SB. I got a charge after reading this interview with him and it started a chain of thoughts about how I approach my own artwork and looking at the business side of it. 

It's been over a year since I decided to prioritize my art life and now I'm starting to feel the need to really establish it as a business, as much in my own head as anything.  Until now, I guess I was just doing it to see what could happen and now that I've figured out what I'm doing, established myself a bit, and gotten some feedback, I feel ready to take things further. I've gotten to a point where what was started as a hobby, has now become something more, I want it to be more, so I need to reframe some of my intentions towards where I want to go with all of it.

Works by Saner Edgar, part of the Dean Collection

For one thing, I need to stop underselling myself NOW. You can only short-change yourself for so long before you become thoroughly sick of it. I'm setting prices and sticking to them -- I still want to be accessible to all kinds of people so that means making art within a variety of price ranges, not adjusting prices to what you think the crowd can afford. Or feeling bad about valuing your art at a certain price point. If you don't value it, can you expect other people to? 

Another one is making sure I show up in my studio like it's a job. Frequently, my studio time can get bumped to the wayside, especially since it is at my home and I could run to the grocery real quick to get food for dinner, or I could start that load of laundry -- NO -- I need to create working hours and stick to them. It's amazing what you can come up with when you're surround by all your tools and materials, even if you don't feel all-together inspired. My biggest hurdle right now is making as much as I can. My smaller pieces (like the houses and toothbrushes) have proven to sell when I make them...so that means I need to keep making them. Like Swizz said he learned from Peter Max, art is like manufacturing your own currency.

Even this blog, it started as something that I only wanted to do as it pleased me, allowing it to be an organic expression. If my art is a business, then I need to make it a priority to share what I'm making regularly here, and my other social media outlets. This blog has become so much more for me over the past couple years. Not just a place to share but a place to process my journey, to document my learning curves, and help express myself through writing. When I first started blogging, I hated writing anything -- I felt like I sounded so dumb -- and would just post pictures. Now I have the confidence to verbalize in ways that I was too shy to do before. And the greatest thing is, when I meet people in person, I know how to verbalize to them what I'm doing because I've taken the time to do it here. Seriously.

BUT anyways, really excited to see a guy like Swizz Beats buying art instead of cars and I am interested to watch where he goes with The Dean Collection. I don't know if I have the gumption to go back to school for business like he is doing but I will do my best to put my business hat on more frequently. It's almost kinda fun sometimes, I mean not knitting fun but a girl's gotta give her hands a break sometime :)

Got any Instagram crushes you wanna share?

What I've Learned Since Last Year

My first art piece of 2015 -- a beaded portrait of Karen O (lead singer of Yeah Yeah Yeahs) titled They Don't Love You Like I Love You, part of a series I'm calling IDOL EYES.

~

What haven't I learned since last year?

2014 was a big year for me. I decided to prioritize my art career and it took me to some great places -- the most thrilling being that, for the first time in my life, I felt like I found a path in the right direction. I've got focus, motivation, excitement for what I am doing and deep down it feels right.

Can I get a  HELL YES  for that??!

As much as I avoid lingering in the past, I have found that a little self-reflection on where I used to be can be a great indicator on how far I've come. If you're familiar with me or this blog, you get the idea that I like to dabble in a variety of crafts and mediums. I've put on a lot of different shoes in my short adult life and a lot of them have already been tossed off or buried at this point. The ONE THING that I have been very dedicated to is journaling. I've been consistent with my writing since I graduated college in '08 and started this journey into figuring out a career path. In fact, my journal has been a continuing source of inspiration for my art -- it's where I tend to find the fragments of words and thoughts that turn into artworks. 

One rando thing I started doing, would be to open up my journal to today's date last year or years prior and see what I was doing then. (It's amazing the things we forget!) What I discovered in this little game is how powerfully it has shown me just how far I have come. It's easy to get wrapped up in your plans for today, this month, this year, and forget how hard you work just to simply be where you are today. There's an entry in 2009 where I announce to myself that I want to be a textile artist. I say I don't know what that looks like or what kind of work I want to make, I just know that that's the title I want. I was blown away when I saw that because  1). I had no memory of wishing for that and 2). I'm there now. That dream I wished for came true. Or maybe more like, I made it happen. It gets me thinking about what I can wish for today that consciously or subconsciously I can work towards in the years to come. Sometimes I get wrapped up in developing a business plan with clearly-stated goals (not easy) but sometimes if you take the first few steps, you can be led to beautiful possibilities that your mind hadn't even thought to go.

Moral I'm getting from all this? 

I should do now, worry less about defining the big picture, trust the process, appreciate how far I've come and look forward to the open doors that I didn't see coming.

Watch Him As He Goes (Dave Grohl), 2008. Back in my Foo Fighters phase (hey, can't say no to a good beard!) 

My year started out with one of those unknown doors swinging in my direction. When I built my website, I put all work I had on there that reflected my self-appointed title of textile artist. Not much at the time, but I did have these beaded portraits that I made in school and had always enjoyed. I hadn't thought much about getting back into beading, it was another one of those crafts that I had dabbled in at one point in my life and then hadn't picked back up. 

I Would Die 4 U (Prince), 2013. Bow down to him, children! (Still in my Prince phase :)

Then here comes the door a-swinging...

Remember how I made that piece for a poster competition? Welllll, one of the reasons I wanted to enter something was because the competition was being hosted by the best gallery in Greensboro, and probably one of the best in North Carolina. And I thought maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to put my name in front of their faces. Really, I was going for the prize money but there was also a little voice in the back of my head that told me this was a good move. And I was right. The fabulous lady who runs the shop in front of the gallery saw my knitted piece, sought out my website, and found my beaded portraits. Turns out that Greenhill Gallery had an upcoming self-portrait exhibit and she thought these pieces would be perfect for the shop at that time.  !!!!!!!!!  

Those eyes, Frida! 

We met, she provided me with wonderful words of encouragement and gave me the idea to build shadow boxes for these lil' felt pieces, along with giving me motivation to build them, a place to hang them, and (painful but oh so helpful) a deadline. Like a 2-week one!! I also knew I needed to make one new beaded piece to give myself a good number. 3 small ones and 1 larger one. Frida actually was sewn to a dress for my senior fashion collection and I made the decision to cut her from the cloth. The dress proved to be impossible to hang in an art setting and it was so small and it had sat in a trunk for years collecting weird smells. She needed a new life.

 So this all added to the super speed of last month but I couldn't be happier with how these turned out. Thankfully, Adam was willing to build me some last minute frames and I slowly got better with sanding and finishing. Seriously, how are you supposed to get a good lacquer finish out of a spray can in 35 degree weather?? I scraped by.

OBSESSED with how this matte black turned out behind Frida. We added a block behind the felt to give them a floating look and have them hanging from a nail. That way they can still be removed and held. I couldn't bear the idea of making fiber art that can't be touched. And I winced every time someone mentioned velcro.

After all the hustle and bustle of getting these finished, I realized that I was fulfilling another unspoken dream: to get a chance to show at Greenhill.  Well, I really want to get in the gallery but the shop is still a very respectful place to be, and now it's only a matter of time before I'm in the big room :) Mind you, I wasn't just blowing on dandelions and sitting on my butt, I've worked consistently to put myself in the way of influential people and places. What I'm saying is, I think it's okay to not have supremely-defined goals but if you put yourself out there in ways, dreams can come to you. Reminds me of one of my favorite quotes..

"The harder I work, the better luck I have."

 SIDE NOTE: I jumped for joy when I found this single, wild daffodil blooming in the wreckage of what used to be my wooded backyard. I thought that their great shoveling machines would've all but destroyed their vast rooted network. They used to bloom all over the place. I know that this is a good sign for the coming year and all that was destroyed was not totally lost.

I can't wait for spring.

Art as Therapy

This past month has put me through the ringer in ways that have led me to feel very out-of-control of my own life. The worst kind of unhinged that I just can't handle. The first being total annihilation of my backyard. Where once there was secluded woods, filled with wild daffodils and fox families, now sits a most aesthetically-jarring solar panel farm.  You can find a good before shot here.

That means there's been loud noises, construction, and workers crawling all over since the end of August and, even though the work seems to be finished, they have yet to completely depart.

It's led to me avoiding my studio in favor of hiding in my house, and become a general distraction to all else.

On the plus side, it did inspire this art piece. I made it before construction started as a way for me to face the inevitable and force acceptance. The worst part of all of it is, when things happen so close to you, you feel like there may be some way to have some power over it, and when you can't change it or prevent it, you partially blame yourself for not trying harder. And the fact that I'm only renting really provided a feeling of helplessness.

ACTUAL IDEAS THAT RAN THROUGH MY MIND:

- chain myself to trees (obviously)

- pour malicious ingredients into the gas tanks of their construction equipment

- go over to their office (hideous trailer parked in front yard) and scream every evil comment I know

- slash tires

- bitch to my landlady incessantly (actually did that) truth is, I think she lost her control over the project as well, at least she acted like that was the case

-move

And moving still is an option, even though at one point we seriously were considering buying the house. For now, we're still here. I put a decent chunk of money into building out my home studio and I'm just not ready to walk away from that investment yet. BUT I digress.

The greatest ending, at least the one I'd like to focus on, is that the art piece (filled with all my hatred and frustration) was donated to the Carrack's annual fundraiser and this amazing guy bought it. He and his family will enjoy it for what it is and not the negative feelings I've attached to it. I can't help but think that this is a good ending to my self-applied therapy session.

OK so that's just the first part...

Several different types of meltdowns have followed as a result of the backyard changes. Second being the crisis over what I call "home". Suddenly this house that I had described regularly as being "magical" became a place of hostility. The desire to own a home prioritized itself in my thoughts, and I used the fuel to work on building my "dream home". Therapy Session Round 2.

 The Tiny House series started with the Love Signs show, all original 5 sold, which obviously meant that I should make more! So now became the pertinent time to continue with them. As you can see, I've been having fun getting creative with my architecture.

The final stressor, that I'm most currently in the process of coping with, is feelings of general offense towards modern society. I abhor construction, I feel like everyone's priorities conflict with my own, the world is backwards, and we're destroying the earth, and no one is smart enough to make a change because everyone only cares about money, and it all compounds into a deep hopelessness towards mankind and the world around me. How did I get here? It hurts so bad, how do I come out of this hole?

For starters, I'm working on fixing my thought patterns to at least keep from destroying myself but I don't know yet how successful I will be. It looks like I need to think of a new art project.